Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Unfaith

I promised an update on little Mara. While there is obviously a lot that I cannot say, what I can say is this. At the last court hearing scheduled there were two possible outcomes. 
  1. The judge would accept the reintegration plan that was written by Youthville that would place Mara back with her father. This option would mean that Derek and I would be out of the running to ever adopt her.  She would go through the process of moving back with her father and we would be left with empty arms and hearts.
  2. The judge would reject the reintegration plan. This would mean that he did not see dad as a viable option for Mara's future living. This would mean that there would be a future possibility of her becoming open to adoption and us stepping in.
I spent that week anxiously awaiting the hearing and really wanted to be there to hear what took place.  Unfortunately, that morning was when it was decided that Mara needed to be admitted to the hospital.  So, I went the way of the hospital and sent Derek on to court so we could still hear what happened.  I watched the clock, prayed, checked my phone. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. My stomach felt unsettled and I couldn't wait to know. Finally, Derek showed up and I prepared myself to hear, "the judge went with the reintegration plan."  To my amazement, however, the motion for reintegration was highly protested by the State and the judge rejected it.  Praise the Lord! While this in NO WAY guarantees that we will ever be able to make her a permanent part of our family and the road is still very, very long it does still keep us in the running which is so wonderful.



It took a while for me to process what had happened.  I think I had so prepared myself for the worst.  That there was no way that the judge, who has such minimal knowledge of the case, would go against the report that was written by those involved in what is taking place. Later as I continued to think about the fact that we could still have future with Mara I realized just how little faith I must have had in my prayers that it would go in our favor. I was so frustrated in myself for my doubt. I know that in some ways I was preparing myself for the worst. Trying (inadequately) to protect my heart. But had I so quickly forgotten what I had learned about prayer just months before from Paxten? How could I go before God all week asking him for the plan to be rejected and then be SO surprised when it was? While I claim to hold to faith what a level of unfaith was staring me in my face. I'm grateful for a God that is so forgiving. So patient. So supportive. I'm seeing that I've still got a long way to go in my confidence in prayer. I'm working on setting in my memory these verses...
"Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God." 1 John 3:21
"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him." I John 5:14-15  
Thank you so much for those that have prayed for our little family. Having Mara all to myself for four days in the hospital just reinforced how much I love her, how much in my heart she is. There are still a lot of obstacles ahead of us but I plan on tackling them in prayer with confidence!
Posted by Lindsey at
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6 comments:

  1. B In Real LIfeFebruary 29, 2012 at 10:05 AM

    thanks for sharing! Joining you in prayers for Mara and that she would one day be "offically" yours :)

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  2. AnonymousFebruary 29, 2012 at 2:55 PM

    You did not mention the judge terminating the mothers rights. Is there only a father to this Mara? What about her birth mother?

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    1. LindseyMarch 1, 2012 at 7:42 PM

      That's a good point. Mom has been in and out of contact but has of yet not made efforts towards completing court orders. In Kansas it is normal practice that they do not terminate one parent's rights and not the other. Her legal counsel will have the same opportunity as dads to show that she is capable and willing.

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    2. AnonymousMarch 2, 2012 at 6:44 PM

      Its easy to see how much you love her. She is such a beautiful baby. God will bless you for the love you are pouring out to these children. If you get to keep her I look forward to reading about the progress. If she goes back to her birth parents I hope you get to keep up with her life. You can see in her face that she is a pure gift from God. Thank you for sharing your journey online it is a very heart warming story.

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  3. AnonymousMarch 6, 2012 at 7:25 PM

    I think you are forgetting that God hears all the prayers involving this littleone. It sounds like her birth parents are probably praying for a different outcome. Its a tough situation to be in to provide care for such a beautiful baby and to fall in love with her and want her for your own but ultimately the gift she is belongs to her parents by God given right. I pray they will be able to be allowed to parent their child. You are a good person to offer your love for this child, but a selfless love for this child would include a prayer for her to be reunified with her one or both of parents. I am sure this child has extended family that loves her as much as you do. There are also laws that protect kinship rights if the parents dont step up to the plate or find they cannot emotionally deal with the demands of a parenting plan. I can see you have a beautiful and growing family but the duties of a foster parent are very different from the parents. Not only is it your job to love, but also to encourage a loving relationship with her parents and possibly to do the heartwrenching of returning a child you have opened up your heart to love.

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    1. LindseyMarch 7, 2012 at 7:14 AM

      Thank you for your comment and you are very right. I have spoken in past posts about how our number one prayer is that God's will for Mara's life will be played out and that we will not foolishly assume that we are that will. Derek and I have both prayed that pride and selfishness would not be allowed to work it's way into our hearts and that we would in no way assume that our family is what is best for her. God makes it clear that we are to pray for God's will, and we have certainly poured out our hearts in that direction for her. We also read in scripture that God covets to know the desires of our hearts as His children. So, we bodly present those petitions too. Mara is not the first (or probably the last) child we have welcomed into our home, loved and then said goodbye to. We know what we got into when we signed up for this. And I have always made it a priority to get to know the birth families. She has never once been late to a meeting with family(often 3-4 a week), I've brought countless picture to them of her growing and developing and I've watched as they interact with her. There is obviously a lot of this story that cannot be told. And it will never be my desire to talk badly about her bio family. I simply write out of love and try to be honest with our heart struggles in loving a child that probably cannot and will not ever really be ours. We will face saying goodbye when that time comes (and I think in our hearts we know that it will probably go to that) but I will still continue to ask my God for His will in her life while also pouring out the petitions of my heart. Until then we will love her with a parent's love, becaus she deserves no less. Thank you for your thoughts and the reminder that she is God's not ours.

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