Disruption

These thoughts are ones I was hesitant to share. This time has been very emotional, very personal and very hard. But, just as I have always been open to share the joys and blessings of foster care, I want to be just as transparent when things are hard and hurt and brokenness seem to win.

{deep breath}

In the foster care classes required for us to get our license they talked a lot about what is called a disruption. This just means that a placement, for one reason or another, has to move out of the foster home they are in before they are ready to reintegrate back with their biological family. Often you hear stories of children who lived in 5, 10 or even more foster homes throughout their lives. This represents many disruptions. I struggled to understand how so many disruptions could take place in one lifetime but I was also careful to not assume that it would never happen to our family. While we were optimistic that we would never need to make such a drastic choice that can have lifelong consequences for a child, the real truth we were being taught in class was that these kids have been wronged. The nature of foster care already means that a hurt has taken place in a child's life. Often they have lived their years with little guidance, been exposed to negative experiences and taught inappropriate ways to react to situations around them. I knew there was no guarantee that every child would be a good fit for our family.

Flash forward four years. We have learned a lot about the "system" and have experienced various placements lasting from a couple nights to 10 months. Our girls are 1, 2 and 5. We also had two foster children, age 2 and 5. They had been living with us for 8 months. Derek and I were continually reevaluating and monitoring how each placement affected our family. Our marriage and our girls are what God has called us to first and we are cautious to make sure that those needs are being met. We take breaks between placements, make special "dates" with each child, and pray, pray, pray that we are remaining in God's will during each placement.

Over half a year into this placement, however, we began to sense changes. We were struggling. A lot. Not with any one child or situation necessarily, but with the heavy challenge brought on by having 5 children 5 years old and younger. To say I was tired would be a deep understatement. I began to realize that I wasn't being the wife and mother that I felt God had called me to be. I went to bed tearful and discouraged, not looking forward to the next day. Derek and I noticed the way we talked to the children was becoming increasingly harsh or clipped and we didn't relate to each other in the way we once had.

For a long time we held on and kept plugging away for various reasons. We prayed that things would begin to move forward in the case and that we could focus on a reintegration plan. We feared that a different foster home would be worse than ours, arrogantly assuming that we are the only ones who could help these two kids in the right way. We didn't want any part in being their second disruption in less than a year (they had each been at a different foster home before us). I really, really had seen so much growth and joy in the 8 months that we'd had them. We loved them. Truly. I just couldn't ever make that call that it was time for us to admit that we couldn't do it any more. Derek and I talked and prayed often together and with those around us who knew and loved us about what would be the best next steps. We cried a lot. We knew we needed to either make the decision that a disruption was necessary or, pull ourselves (and our energy) up, rededicate ourselves to these kids for the duration of the time that they were going to be in foster care and stop dwelling on the hard. We decided to wait until the upcoming court date to make our final decision.

The court day came and went...and nothing changed. No moves towards reintegration, no plans to start transitioning home, no end in sight. The next court was scheduled for the fall. We realized at that moment that this was going to go on for a lot longer. Mostly likely into Christmas and maybe even next year. I immediately knew that I couldn't do it. We suddenly saw that while we selfishly assumed that we were the best for the kids that really might mean that we were keeping them back from a different foster family that could be even more beneficial to these two kids we deeply loved. Maybe a family with older children or less children that could really pour into these two the way they truly deserved. In a way that I was failing them. I knew that for our marriage and our relationship with the three girls entrusted to us that we needed to say goodbye, even though the thought made me sick to my stomach.

So, we gave our 30 day notice for a new family to be found. I prayed and prayed for the family that God would call to say yes. I prayed we would know how and when to tell these two children. How do you sit down a little boy and tell them that everything he knows right then -- everything safe and secure and routine -- was going to change? I prayed that we could properly convey that it was not their fault. I prayed that I could one day release the guilt.

This has been so, so hard. The emotions and questions that have flown in and out are too numerous to count.

• Sorrow: We miss our kids. That's the truth. It was hard and tiring and burdensome and I know in the bottom of my heart that we made the right choice but those are still my kids. Our son called us mom and dad from the moment we picked him up. For 8 months of my life my every day was those kids. I love them and my heart hurts without them. 
• Confusion: Did I make the right choice? Did I truly follow God's will in this situation? Would God really call us to be their parents for a while and then asked them to move on? What can be His plan in all this?
• Relief: A weight has been lifted. A sense of heaviness is gone and I'm finding more joy in my days. I'm so in love with my three girls and my husband and there is more time and energy to focus on those loves. 
• Guilt: So much guilt. Do they understand? Do they feel abandoned? Do they think they did something wrong to have to move? Will our son asking, "Is Taryn still my sister?" after we told him about the new family anxiously awaiting him coming to live with them ever stop ringing in my head? Guilt that I couldn't just suck it up and power through for the sake of two little kids tossed around due to the consequences of their parents choices. Guilt that I feel so relieved to be done with this placement. Oh, guilt is a tricky emotion that satan works so effectively in. 
• Worry: Did they go to a Christian home?  When will the next time they hear about God? Will our foster daughter's language delays be addressed? Will our foster son's new school be as proactive and supportive to his challenging behavior as his school here was? 
• Embarrassment: Will people understand why we had to say goodbye? Do they think we should have just stuck it out? Pride is a paralyzing emotion that can keep so much good from happening. I'm praying that setting aside our pride will reap big benefits in the life of our two foster loves. 

I can carry all these feelings and emotions (and I run through them all several times a day!) but I also have freedom and comfort in knowing that:

•  As much as I loved these two blessings, that my God loves them infinitely more. "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
• His plans for them are good. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 
• Joy is still to be found even in the pain. "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11
• Our weariness will be transformed. "For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish." Jeremiah 31:25

Will we foster again? Mostly, likely, yes. Will it be soon? Doubtful. But, we continue to trust that God will help us to know if and when it is time to open our home again. I still love knowing that we were called to this mission. I don't hold fears that we could have a similar situation or that we won't have a placement that is a good fit for us again. I'm fairly certain we will. For now though, we're enjoying our new "little" family and helping our children mourn the loss of their two siblings. We're able to look back a the last long, hard months and see God's hand throughout, teaching us and guiding us. 

I don't say all this to discourage others from fostering. I don't say it because it is easy to admit or to remember. I do say it to be honest about the hard and the challenging side of foster care. Not every child is going to be a perfect fit in every family. 

I'm still learning to not always be counting in my head for 5 children when we're out and about. I still break down in tears every time our son's favorite song plays on the radio and I hear his earnest out-of-tune passionate singing in my head. We're early everywhere we go b/c we're so used to the time it takes to get 7 of us somewhere....5 is much simpler. My life is drastically different.

In my Bible study a couple weeks ago I found these words so comforting: 

"I know it may seem so precarious to stake your joy not on your circumstances, or even on the gifts that God has given you, but on the person of God himself. I know that's difficult. That's why we need faith to do it. We need faith to trust that God doesn't merely "know what's best for us," but that He is what's best for us no matter what our circumstances are. 

Jesus answered them, 'This is the word of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent' (John 6:29). When we believe in Jesus to provide all that we need for life and godliness, we can confess with tears of joyful relief, 'For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.' (Romans 11:36)."  from Glimpses of Grace: treasuring the gospel in your home by Gloria Furman

Side note: Thank you to our friends and family who selflessly poured into our two needy kids for the last 8 months. They loved you and knew that you loved them. You made difference that God will put to great use in these two lives. From the bottom of this momma's heart.....thank you. 

The Motherhood Spectrum

Back when I was just a teenager or young adult...or even just a young married with no kids yet, I thought of Mother's Day as just that. Mom's day. Those women who have birthed a child and are raising that child. As the years have passed though, God has opened my eyes to how very, very complex this mothering thing is. I first became a biological mother. Later, a foster mother. Which also meant that while I celebrated with her children, there was another mother whose arms were empty. Not long after, I became a mom to a miscarried baby. A new form of motherhood is born in that. One of longing for a child you never held but rejoicing for that child's life in heaven. Even later I became an adoptive mother. So now there is another mom mourning the choices and life stage that brought her loss on. What a web of mothering, choices, pain and joy.

Today a friend posted this blog post on her wall and it just hit me as so very true.

So, in honor of each of you women reading this...

The wide spectrum of mothering 

• To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you 
• To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you 
• To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you 
• To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you 
• To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is 
• To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you 
• To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you 
• To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you 
• To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you 
• To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
• To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst 
• To those who have aborted children - we remember them and you on this day 
• To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children - we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be 
• To those who step-parent - we walk with you on these complex paths 
• To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be - we grieve with you 
• To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you 
• To those who placed children up for adoption – we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart 
• And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you. 

By Amy Young (http://messymiddle.com)

To Love At All

A man I love had this quote on his facebook wall a couple weeks ago and I've been thinking over it ever since:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it in tact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe and dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
                                                                                     - C.S. Lewis
 

Beautiful and true. Especially for me as we are in the trenches of a challenging foster care placement. I needed the reminder. I don't want the hobbies and selfishness I can so easily slip into to harden my heart to more. I don't want to be so afraid of the hurt that I don't embrace the one's God has placed in our life right now. For me, lately, choosing to be vulnerable is a daily choice.

The Referral

Fifteen very long months after we anxiously mailed our dossier to our adoption agency, the moment we've been waiting for has happened.

We've seen our son!

He is perfection. He is a gift. He is mine.

A momma knows, doesn't she? When we look at that line on the pregnancy test. And then the fuzzy skeletal outline from the sonogram pictures. And the moment the doctor places the stretched out wriggling baby in our arms. THIS child is mine. That's what this e-mail was for me and in some ways more. I waited so long and dreamed day after day and pleaded and prayed for the little boy across the world experiencing trauma and loss and fear. I ache that he had to go through that but know that without it we would not meet. And that would not be God's plan. His plan is for the wide-eyed, chubby-fingered, short-legged little boy in the picture I carry with me everywhere to be mine.

I wish I could share him now but it is not time yet. We still have to pass court in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. But I promise you he is the cutest. Seriously.

This journey has been so hard. Much more emotional and draining than I could have guessed. If I had known then what I've lived now I wonder if I would have had the courage to obey as we did then. Obedience is so hard. What seems clear one day is hazy the next. Adoption has been that way for me too. Both our domestic and international adoptions have stretched me. I've had to sacrifice so much of what I thought I wanted or even more so, deserved, to answer the call. But, I can also honestly say that there has been a new kind of joy found in that obedience. I see joy in recognizing God's hand in building our family despite my desperate attempts to do it on my own. I see joy in unabashedly loving a little girl with crazy curly hair and a passion for dance, reading, and her sisters, despite the fear of losing her one day. And I see joy in watching God's hand in this Congo adoption. As the funds have been raised, and people have stepped forward in faith to support us, and as God has shown us continually that we are on the right path. 

"I think a lot of us have a very limited concept of joy -- we tie it to what makes us feel happy. But real joy goes even deeper, and it's not always found in obvious places. Instead, it hides in corners, waiting to be discovered when we sacrifice our desires for God's desires." C. Thomas Davis
 

I'm still learning about this type of joy. One that is settled and deep and a part of who I am, and not a joy that can be blown away by one negative moment in a day. More than the joy of  what the world tells me should make me happy, but a joy so rooted in God's will for my life that it cannot be shook. I have no doubt that my little boy in the picture I clasp will have so much to teach me about joy. And, I pray that as we experience the joy of raising him that we are able to heal his broken heart and the wounds of a year of pain and show him the joy that can be found in Christ's beautiful plan for him as well.

We continue to covet your prayers as we are so far from done with this adventure. The hardest wait is just begun. The wait where every day my son gets one day older without me. Oh, sweet little boy, we're coming for you!

A Heavenly Anniversary

 

 

One year ago today God called to His side the daughter of our dear friends. An entire year that those we love have not felt her tiny body in their arms. Her smell is lost. Her voice is a memory heard on videos. But she is not gone from our hearts. So much remains of sweet Paxten, that I treasure carrying each day. The lessons learned about prayer. The reminder that glory does not come without suffering. And, the added anticipation for those of us eagerly awaiting a world promised that is so much better than what we live now. Oh, what longing I have to join sweet Paxten in heaven.

 

In my Bible reading the other day I read this:

"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. ² Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, ³ because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. ⁴ For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. ⁵ Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

⁶ Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. ⁷ For we live by faith, not by sight. ⁸ We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. ⁹ So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. ¹⁰ For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."  2 Corinthians 5:1-10
 

Paxten has spent a year 'clothed in her heavenly dwelling'. She is 'away from the body and at home with the Lord'. We are left here to "groan and be burdened'. We long for the perfection that will be ours when we put on the glorious spiritual body and we do live by faith, not by sight. I believe in a God that loves to surprise his children. He delights in giving us more than we could ever imagine. Heaven is one of those things. I think that is part of the reason he gives so few clues in his Word. What joy He must take in ushering in each one of His children into this clothing of heavenly dwelling!

Oh Paxten, if I could tell you what this year has been I would tell you about your mommy. A woman so full of beauty and grace. Your mommy is so strong Paxten. And her strength isn't seen in a having it 'all-together' or in lack of weakness. It is seen in how she handles those moments of weakness. She seeks the Lord with all her heart. She wants to know the man whose hand you hold. She has a depth of faith and a spirit of wisdom brought on by deep hurt and surviving every mommy's worst fear. You got your fight from her, dear Paxten. She fights for her family. She fights for her God. You get to rest in the lap of Jesus each day and one day soon you'll get to lead your mommy by the hand to meet Jesus too.

I would tell you about your daddy. Paxten, you should see your daddy! A man who has endured more than should be asked of any man. To face the fears of not being able to protect his precious girl. But, with God's hand, I think he's beginning to see that he did protect you, in the only way any daddy can. By showing you Him. By striving to provide a home that loves and reflects Jesus. He let himself become open to not knowing all the answers. Your daddy knows that the truest gift of love that he can give you now is to seek Jesus wholeheartedly so that he will one day be reunited with you. You can be so proud of your daddy. He's fighting demons that satan is sending and he's brave, Paxten. He's coming to you.

And, Izzie! You're a sister Paxten and, oh my, is she perfection. A tiny bundle of hope and healing, future and joy. She gives us glimpses at you and a chance to relive your time here. To celebrate your sisterly similarities and to learn about your differences. What a gift she has in you. A big sister who embraced life with no fears in making her preferences known. Don't worry, sweet girl, we'll introduce her to Nutella and Cheetos. She'll watch Super Why and Backyardigans with mommy and do push-ups with daddy. She'll be crazy good at the ipad and be the worlds cutest cow and monkey on Halloween. We'll teach her to shriek at the top of her lungs and to make everyone who looks at her smile. We'll let her stand naked in the backyard sprinkler and run outside to watch the train each time we hear the whistle. Izzie will forever be changed because you came before her.

We miss you Paxten. We're sad for us. We wonder what you would look like, sound like, act like and we long to see you hold your baby sister. A year can be so long and so fast in the same moment. In the light of eternity it is but a blink. I pray the blinks continue so that we can all join you soon. We live by faith and not by sight.

And we're coming to you.

I Choose Joy {Sometimes}

Some facts:

• 1 year and 6 months have passed since we mailed our application to our adoption agency.
• 1 year and 1 month have passed since we finished our dossier and mailed it in.
• 13 e-mails have gone out as each month passed by, checking to see if we were any closer to seeing our son.
• Hundreds of hours have been spent working late into the night to raise money to redeem our son from his orphanage.
• Thousands of prayers have gone up, whispered and written, cried and pleaded.
• Our homestudy has expired losing $1,000.
• Our USICS fingerprints have expired losing $850.
• My heart has grown weary.

Christmas of 2011 had a feeling of expectation and hope. Yes, I felt our family was incomplete without him there but I was still feeling the high of having just sent in our dossier. I just thought there was no way that we wouldn't hold our son in our arms in 2012. No way. Yet here we are into 2013 and we still do not even have his picture. I felt his absence greatly this Christmas. I know that may not be something that anyone but a mother who has dreamed of her child in a far away place and longed to rescue him can understand. I know I risk sounding crazy. But the wait is so suffocating. I feel helpless and even like a failure. This discontentment, frustration, feeling of loss has been seeping into other areas of my life. I've been shorter with my kids and husband. My thoughts are pessimistic when I hear of other's struggles. Instead of joy I feel bitter when I hear of other families and their international adoption successes.

And I didn't like it. I had turned what God has designed for redemption and joy into a burden and bitterness. So, as I thought about 2013 and what word I want to define me this year, the word JOY was an easy choice. I choose joy.

Joy in the wait.
Joy in the lessons of waiting.
Joy in the raising of 5 children.
Joy in the care of our home.
Joy in loving my husband the way he deserves.

As a reminder I hastily typed up choose joy and slapped it on the fridge.

Later that day, I had a moment to order this print that I had meant to order for a while from Echoes of Mercy Etsy site. In her e-mail to me following my purchase she mentioned her instagram account and so I looked it up. The second it opened my breath caught. The very first post listed was her CHOOSE JOY print. Ok, God, I hear ya. Shocked, I quickly told her my story of how my un-joy was settling into my life and how I had decided to Choose Joy for 2013. And, because I'm fairly certain that God sent me to Mandie just for this reminder, she sent me that print too. One for my phone screen and one to place in (i.e. all over) my house.

What a surprise for this struggling heart! What a gift to know that God knows the weight I'm carrying to bring our son home. And What a reminder that He goes before me. That He is orchestrating our family. Let got and let God, Lindsey.

So, I'm still failing daily but, when I feel that yucky feeling start to seep in I now have a visual reminder to choose joy.

In another not-so-surprising-when-God-works coincidence, Mandie Joy is a fellow foster parent. 100% of the sales from her art go to help her stay home and foster. So, if you've got some time and heart to support those following God's calling to love the least of these please stop by her shop. 

You can find her blog here.
You can find her etsy shop here. 

She has blessed me and I know she'll bless you too!

Longing and Peace

"AGAINST ITS WILL EVERYTHING ON EARTH WAS SUBJECTED TO GOD'S CURSE. ALL CREATION ANTICIPATES THE DAY WHEN IT WILL JOIN GOD'S CHILDREN IN GLORIOUS FREEDOM FROM DEATH AND DECAY."  Romans 8:20-21

I feel this today and every day since last Friday. Anticipation, longing, desperation for the day that God will come back and take us from this pain. The challenge I'm fighting is to not give in to living by fear. What I'm reminded of by this terrible shooting is that my fear is an indication of misplaced trust and a false feeling that I have any real control over anything. I trust my children's school, just as those at Newtown did. I trust my church just as those in the temple shooting in Wisconsin did. I trust when I go to the mall that we will be safe, just as those in the mall in Oregon did. What a wake-up call that I'm trusting in the wrong things.

"Peace I leave you, My peace I give to you; NOT AS THE WORLD GIVES do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

What a gift. Did you catch it? Peace that is NOT as the world gives. Praise God because lately, the world has been giving very little peace. My heart doesn't have to be afraid. I get my peace from Him.

Creator, I believe that you made this world good and that humanity's choice to sin has corrupted that perfection. Sometimes I hate living in this world of suffering and brokenness. I long for the day when you break the curse and set everything right. Come, Lord Jesus!  - Nancy Guthrie

 



Motherhood

 

"Don't be lured away from the plan of God to the ways of the world

where motherhood is belittled,

femininity is decried, and the divinely established

role of a wife and mother is mocked.

 

 

Let the world go its way.

 

 

You follow the plan of the Lord for the greatest measure of true,
eternal achievement and the fullness of happiness." Richard G. Scott

 



The Call List

There have been a couple times that we've gotten ourselves off the foster care "call list". This just means that they won't call us asking if we can take in a little one in desperate need of care. One time was after Brecken was born. Another time was recently after we adopted Aven. Both times we needed a little break. A pause to settle in to what our family looked like now. Both times I didn't put a timeline on myself for when we'd start again. I did kind of think it would be a few months. Both times, however, I've experienced an overwhelming feeling of urgency...or maybe pressure...or need.

It is hard to explain. I'll be washing dishes and this sense will come over me, there's a child in need. Someone is supposed to be with me that isn't. God has pulled my heart back to His calling for me.

Sometimes sooner than I expected but never sooner than He planned.

There are times I sit with women who are struggling with a greater sense of purpose. "What is it God is calling me to do?" "What task or mission should I be acting out?" I can sit in these times and be so thankful that I don't have to wonder. I know what I'm called to do. In my core I know that God has called me to love His children.

And yet, it is so easy for me to put that calling aside. I like to placate myself with the knowledge that I've taken care of a couple. Pat myself on the back that we listened to His calling after Brecken was born and now we have Aven. Then, that still, small voice comes back.

"Lindsey, you aren't done."
"Lindsey, there are more. More hurting. More in need. More who others are saying no to."

I listen to others -- friends and family members who truly love me -- and I know they think they have my best interest in mind. They insist that I've got enough on my plate. Three young girls is a lot. An adoption waiting in the Congo is enough. I start to happily agree and try to release myself from that voice. But it persists,

"Lindsey, I will decide when you're plate is full."
"Lindsey, I will be your enough. Do you trust it?"

This summer I read Kisses from Katie...like everyone did. And if you haven't, do it. I read it quickly, tears streaming. I finished it, put it down and a couple hours later picked it back up and started again. Not because it has some deep theological truths that I still needed to work out. It was almost the opposite. She made it so simple. I felt like God was trying to tell me something through it. I hadn't gotten it yet. I think I was so drawn to it because Katie cuts out all the crap and the lies we tell ourselves to let us off the hook are called out and the truth is laid bare.

"I have learned to accept it, even ask for it, this "more than I can handle." Because in these times, God shows Himself victorious. He reminds me that all of this life requires more of Him and less of me. God does give us more than we can handle. Not maliciously, but intentionally, in love, that His glory may be displayed, that we may have no doubt of who is in control, that people may see His grace and faithfulness shining through our lives." (pg 136)

I don't need more bedrooms, more matching bedroom sets, a bigger house, a fancier yard, a bigger car. He is enough and if He brings us a child He will give me enough. I don't need my girls to all be at a certain age or for everyone around me to feel comfortable with us taking on more children. I just need to answer my mission.

So, we got back on the list. It was so freeing. I had been fighting the pull for so many weeks so to just be able to say, ok, God, "I'm in" was such a release. By saying yes I could trust that if we didn't get a call for weeks that it was ok too. At least I had made myself available.

Of course, the call didn't wait weeks. Two precious boys showed up late last night. Hungry and tired. Dirty and scared. And we had enough. Just as God has promised. Enough food. Enough clothes. Enough love.

I've spent today fighting tears. Even through the playing and feeding and caring. When I see this baby whose legs are too spindly for his age or this toddler whose language is far too underdeveloped. This baby that doesn't cry enough and this toddler who doesn't run to an adult for comfort when he falls and scrapes his knee because his defenses have taught him to comfort himself. I wonder at what God has called them to see and hear and feel at such young ages. But, thankfully, it isn't my job to solve all that. I've been called to love. And heck, compared what God has called others to (Katie - in Uganda - adopting THIRTEEN girls!?!) I've got it easy. : )

"People are people. They all need food and water and medicine, but mostly they need love and truth and Jesus. I can do that. We can do that. We can give people food, water, medicine, love, truth, and Jesus. The same God created all of us for a purpose, which is to serve Him and to love and care for His people. It is universal. We can't do it in our own strength or out of our own resources, but as we follow God to wherever He is leading us, He makes the impossible happen." (pg 95) 

People often seemed amazed at what we're doing but I'm more amazed at the number of people not doing it.

"The truth is that the 143 million orphaned children and the 11 million who starve to death or die from preventable diseases and the 8.5 million who work as child slaves, prostitutes, or under other horrific conditions and the 2.3 million who live with HIV add up to 164.8 million needy children. And though at first glance that looks like a big number, 2.1 billion people on this earth proclaim to be Christians.
The truth is that if only 8 percent of the Christians would care for one more child, there would not be any statistics left.
This is the Truth. I have the freedom to believe it. The freedom, the opportunity to do something about it. The truth is that He loves these children just as much as He loves me and now that I know, I am responsible." (pg 91)
 

 Now, you're responsible too.  : )

It Happened....I cried

She started school this morning,
And she seemed so very small.
As I walked there beside her
In the Kindergarten hall.
 

And as she took her place beside

the others in the class,

I realized how all too soon

Those first few years can pass.

Remembering, I saw her as

She first learned how to walk.

The words that we alone made out

When she began to talk.

 

This little girl so much absorbed

In learning how to write.

It seems as though she must have grown

To girlhood overnight.

My eyes were blurred as hastily

I brushed the tears away

Lest by some word or sign of mine

I mar her first big day.

Oh how I longed to stay with her

And keep her by the hand

To lead her through the places

That she couldn't understand.

And something closely kin to fear

Was mingled with my pride.

I knew she would no longer be

A baby by my side.

But she must have her chance to live,

To work her problems out,

The privilege to grow and learn

What life is all about.

And I must share my little girl

With friends and work and play;

She's not a baby anymore --

She's in Kindergarten today.

(author unknown)

Give Them Grace

I mentioned in the last post that parenting hasn't come easily for me. In fact, it has been really, really hard. I had come from a background in Early Childhood, I had taught hundreds of kids as a teacher and I loved the Lord. How could I go wrong? And really, for a long time, I was a great parent. Right up to the point that my oldest was born. It has been downhill ever since. : )

Taryn has never been a very "easy" child. While she is giggles and imagination and sass and frills she is also strong wills, irrational fears, and quick tempers. She keeps her emotions just under the surface and the littlest thing can throw her happy mood into tears and immediate noncooperation. Time, tears, prayers, experience and trial and error have brought us to this five year mark and boy do I LOVE that girl! But I know that this is just the beginning. Guiding her on issues like tantrums and whining are nothing compared to what will come. The big heart issues like purity, friendships, compassion and faith. Yikes!

So when my Bible study turned to a book study for the summer and chose the book Give Them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson I was pretty excited. I had been hearing talk of this book and knew that it had some pretty strong ideas on parenting, particularly on a hot topic right now: teaching our children Christianity versus teaching them morality.

Last year, Veggie Tales founder Phil Vischer came out with this quote,

"I looked back at the previous 10 years and realized I had spent 10 years trying to convince kids to behave Christianly without actually teaching them Christianity. And that was a pretty serious conviction. You can say, ‘Hey kids, be more forgiving because the Bible says so,’ or, ‘Hey kids, be more kind because the Bible says so!’ But that isn’t Christianity, it’s morality."
(from a blog post here: http://www.bobthune.com/2011/09/veggie-tales-morality-not-christianity/)

Elyse's book is over this very idea. In fact she states very simply, "If a Mormon (or any other religion) can parent the same way you do, your parenting isn't Christian." All of our attempts at teaching our children to be "good" is simply giving them rules....NOT the gospel. The gospel is the only thing that can save them. And the only thing that will give them a desire to truly obey. Boy was I guilty of this:

"I took every story in the Bible and made it about what my children were supposed to be doing. I didn't give my kids the gospel story. I assumed that they had heard it enough times and that they had believed it. The real action was in obeying, not in remembering. What I didn't know then was the the good news about Jesus' obedience and shameful death was the only motif that would grant my children a heart to obey." (28)

She doesn't let us off the hook for teaching religious obedience of course. But the goal is not to have rule-following, pew-sitting, verse memorizing children. It is also not so that we can wave it in their face every time they fail. I will be honest and shamefully admit I've used the Bible in this way. Telling Taryn that she's failed to obey what the Bible says when she doesn't "Obey your mother and father." Using this verse as some sort of tactic to do what? Guilt her into listening? Make her feel that "poor Jesus is sad when you disobey?" This book has helped me be better equipped to use the law in the correct way. Grace-filled parenting will help me show her that while she cannot and will not be able obey God's law that it does point her to her need for a Savior. That this is why He came. Grace-filled parenting will also help guard her heart against self-righteousness because it continually shows her need for Him, not her ability to try again to follow the "rule".

Grace-filled parenting is also so very freeing for us as parents.

"We are not nor can we be the saviors of our children. He is the Savior. When we forget this, our parenting will be pockmarked by fear, severity and exhaustion. When we're quietly resting in grace, we'll have grace to give our children too. When we're freed from the ultimate responsibility of being their savior, we'll find our parenting burden becoming easy and light."

Oh boy has my parenting been in fear and exhaustion! The hard truth is this: there are not promises in the Bible that even our best parenting will produce good children. None. So now I choose to live by faith in the Son of God, who loves me and gave himself for me, not by my own efforts. Parenting with grace isn't another set of rules for me to follow. Elyse reminds me that "it's a story that you're to rejoice in. Share the story with your children. Show them the Savior. Show them Jesus. Dazzle them with his love."

I've tried logical consequences. Natural consequences. Memory verses. Time outs. Sticker charts. Bribery. Spankings. Guilt. Heck, I even counted to three once....something I swore I'd never do! I hadn't tried grace.

Praise the Lord that he can redeem my past parenting mistakes. Also the parenting mistakes I made today and those that I will most definitely make tomorrow and the days to come. Praise the Lord that the same grace that I so desire Taryn (and my other girls) to rejoice and cling to has me covered too.

"Christians know that the gospel is the message unbelievers need to hear. We tell them that they can't earn their way into heaven and that they have to trust in Jesus alone for their goodness. But then something odd happens when we start training the miniature unbelievers in our own home. We forget everything we know about the deadliness of relying on our own goodness and we teach them that Christianity is all about their behavior and whether, on any given day, God is pleased or displeased with them. Instead of transmitting the gloriously liberating and life-changing truths of the gospel, we have taught our children that what God wants from them is morality. We have told them that being good (at least outwardly) is the be all and end-all of their faith. This isn't the gospel; we're not handing down Christianity. We need much less of Veggie Tales and Barney and tons more of the radical, bloody, scandalous message of God made man and crushed by his Father for our sin."

I'm still taking this parenting thing one day at a time. And there are still lots of times when just the traditional quick correction is right. But this book is the first book on parenting that has given me Truth about how to put the gopel to work in our lives. That truth is that every morning when I used to stand at the edge of a cliff with my little cup asking God for "just a little grace to get me through" that now I know that there is a title wave of that grace pouring over me so that it can be oozing out of me for my girls to see. That the gospel story that is for me is for them too and the only way that they can know that is for me to tell them. It is a challenging book. I didn't agree with it all (afterall it was written by human) but I'm grateful to have The Story, The Gospel, placed forefront in my mind again as I face each day. There's so much more covered in the book that I didn't even touch. If you're feeling the pressure to "save" your children on your own I'd encourage you to check it out.

Of course maybe you've already got a great handle on this grace thing in which case I will be moving into your house so I can do an indepth study of what it looks like!

Nitty Gritty Truth

I read this the other day and can't get it out of my head.

"I can't tell you how many times I have heard criticism about how our government handles the foster care system; and in all honesty, I've been the critic at times. But if we get down to the truth, the real nitty-gritty truth, it is not the government's job to care for the fatherless. It just isn't. The government isn't commissioned, the government isn't commanded, the government isn't equipped, and the government isn't empowered by the One who made it all to care for His children. The church is. We are the people that God has instructed to be different and to make a difference." Christie Erwin

The guilt of it -- I've been the critic
The truth of it -- The church is responsible
The relief of it -- I, and yes YOU, fellow Christian, have been
               commissioned, commanded, equipped and empowered by the ONE.

Hello!?! Are you being called? Are you being different and making a difference?

Maybe it's time to answer?

You don't have to tell me all the uncomfortable reasons you don't want to. I get that, I've been there. But the thing is, Derek and I haven't taken this path because we are capable and decked out with all that we need on our own because we aren't. But, joyfully, we have been made fully equipped and are daily (sometimes hourly) empowered by God, the creator of each child that He has placed in our home. What a freeing feeling.

Foster care is hard but don't quickly turn away because the truth of it makes you uncomfortable. If you're unsettled maybe there is a reason. Talk to us, we want to hear about it. I'll chat with you, a small group, an entire room. It's no secret that I feel strongly about foster care -- the bad stuff and the good. But I also feel strongly about my God who makes a way for families to love each child that he created. I'm praying now for the person God is calling to take up this mission with us.

Unfaith

I promised an update on little Mara. While there is obviously a lot that I cannot say, what I can say is this. At the last court hearing scheduled there were two possible outcomes. 

1. The judge would accept the reintegration plan that was written by Youthville that would place Mara back with her father. This option would mean that Derek and I would be out of the running to ever adopt her.  She would go through the process of moving back with her father and we would be left with empty arms and hearts.
2. The judge would reject the reintegration plan. This would mean that he did not see dad as a viable option for Mara's future living. This would mean that there would be a future possibility of her becoming open to adoption and us stepping in.

I spent that week anxiously awaiting the hearing and really wanted to be there to hear what took place.  Unfortunately, that morning was when it was decided that Mara needed to be admitted to the hospital.  So, I went the way of the hospital and sent Derek on to court so we could still hear what happened.  I watched the clock, prayed, checked my phone. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. My stomach felt unsettled and I couldn't wait to know. Finally, Derek showed up and I prepared myself to hear, "the judge went with the reintegration plan."  To my amazement, however, the motion for reintegration was highly protested by the State and the judge rejected it.  Praise the Lord! While this in NO WAY guarantees that we will ever be able to make her a permanent part of our family and the road is still very, very long it does still keep us in the running which is so wonderful.

It took a while for me to process what had happened.  I think I had so prepared myself for the worst.  That there was no way that the judge, who has such minimal knowledge of the case, would go against the report that was written by those involved in what is taking place. Later as I continued to think about the fact that we could still have future with Mara I realized just how little faith I must have had in my prayers that it would go in our favor. I was so frustrated in myself for my doubt. I know that in some ways I was preparing myself for the worst. Trying (inadequately) to protect my heart. But had I so quickly forgotten what I had learned about prayer just months before from Paxten? How could I go before God all week asking him for the plan to be rejected and then be SO surprised when it was? While I claim to hold to faith what a level of unfaith was staring me in my face. I'm grateful for a God that is so forgiving. So patient. So supportive. I'm seeing that I've still got a long way to go in my confidence in prayer. I'm working on setting in my memory these verses...

"Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God." 1 John 3:21

"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him." I John 5:14-15  

Thank you so much for those that have prayed for our little family. Having Mara all to myself for four days in the hospital just reinforced how much I love her, how much in my heart she is. There are still a lot of obstacles ahead of us but I plan on tackling them in prayer with confidence!