Unfaith

I promised an update on little Mara. While there is obviously a lot that I cannot say, what I can say is this. At the last court hearing scheduled there were two possible outcomes. 

1. The judge would accept the reintegration plan that was written by Youthville that would place Mara back with her father. This option would mean that Derek and I would be out of the running to ever adopt her.  She would go through the process of moving back with her father and we would be left with empty arms and hearts.
2. The judge would reject the reintegration plan. This would mean that he did not see dad as a viable option for Mara's future living. This would mean that there would be a future possibility of her becoming open to adoption and us stepping in.

I spent that week anxiously awaiting the hearing and really wanted to be there to hear what took place.  Unfortunately, that morning was when it was decided that Mara needed to be admitted to the hospital.  So, I went the way of the hospital and sent Derek on to court so we could still hear what happened.  I watched the clock, prayed, checked my phone. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. My stomach felt unsettled and I couldn't wait to know. Finally, Derek showed up and I prepared myself to hear, "the judge went with the reintegration plan."  To my amazement, however, the motion for reintegration was highly protested by the State and the judge rejected it.  Praise the Lord! While this in NO WAY guarantees that we will ever be able to make her a permanent part of our family and the road is still very, very long it does still keep us in the running which is so wonderful.

It took a while for me to process what had happened.  I think I had so prepared myself for the worst.  That there was no way that the judge, who has such minimal knowledge of the case, would go against the report that was written by those involved in what is taking place. Later as I continued to think about the fact that we could still have future with Mara I realized just how little faith I must have had in my prayers that it would go in our favor. I was so frustrated in myself for my doubt. I know that in some ways I was preparing myself for the worst. Trying (inadequately) to protect my heart. But had I so quickly forgotten what I had learned about prayer just months before from Paxten? How could I go before God all week asking him for the plan to be rejected and then be SO surprised when it was? While I claim to hold to faith what a level of unfaith was staring me in my face. I'm grateful for a God that is so forgiving. So patient. So supportive. I'm seeing that I've still got a long way to go in my confidence in prayer. I'm working on setting in my memory these verses...

"Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God." 1 John 3:21

"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him." I John 5:14-15  

Thank you so much for those that have prayed for our little family. Having Mara all to myself for four days in the hospital just reinforced how much I love her, how much in my heart she is. There are still a lot of obstacles ahead of us but I plan on tackling them in prayer with confidence!

What Paxten is Teaching Me

If you're one of the literally thousands praying for Paxten, thank you.  It has been so incredible to watch the floods of prayers, verses and thoughts come pouring in through facebook, caring bridge and cards.  I get goosebumps every time I get on facebook and see that 98% of my newsfeed is people posting, and re-posting updates, pictures and prayers for little Paxten.  She is a fighter, she is defying the odds and she is holding strong. 

Paxten getting her nails painted.

The last few days have been so emotionally and spiritually draining.  There have been a few moments in Paxten's journey that have sent us running to Blake and Libby's side in tears and prayer.  The day of her diagnosis.  The day she relapsed.  The day her transplant took place.  None have been quite as scary, and felt as immanent, as what Paxten went through last weekend.  There are mornings where it felt as though I never really wasn't praying.  As though my morning was one long exhale of a prayer. I got together with Libby's sister to pray.  We prayed with our husbands.  We've sat on the couch in the dark of night, pouring out prayers. 

On our way up to the hospital with friends we took turns praying. Afterwards we started talking about how, after so many prayers, it gets hard to know what to say anymore.  I feel like I'm out of words to plead my case.  And, even more challenging.....do I pray for my will (for Paxten to be miraculously healed) or for God's will?  Sometimes I'm frightened to prayer for the Lord's will.  What if it is his will to bring Paxten to heaven with Him?  That's not where my heart is at. I don't want to pray that.  Do I pray that our wills align? 

I have to believe that just as I want my children to come to me with their desires, whatever they are, that God wants me (his child) to come to him in the same manner.  And, even though I can not give my girls every desire of their heart, I covet the intimate relationship that would give them no fear in asking.  I want that with my God.  The intimacy to ask for whatever I want.  So I've asked fearlessly, as thousands of others have.  I want Paxten.  I want her parents to know what it is to be a family free of fear of her health and of doctors and chemo, side-effects and relapses. I want them to come home to the beautiful home that my husband has been working tirelessly on and start a new chapter in a new home together.

A dear friend pointed out in Hebrews 4:16 that it says to go BOLDLY before the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. I think that in the past I've come meekly, mildly, humbly to God, laying out my petitions.  Paxten has taught me to go boldly.  To approach the throne with the aching of my heart. And it does not say that I will get what I desire but it does say that I will find mercy and grace. When I start to think, "who am I to go boldly before the Lord?" I remind myself that I have an intercessor.  That Jesus' cleansing work on the cross laid the groundwork for me to be able to come before God.  Richard Foster puts it this way: "Jesus enters his eternal work as Intercessor before the throne of God, and, as a result, I am enabled to pray with an entirely new authority. Even more: he straightens out and cleanses our feeble, misguided intercessions and makes them acceptable before a holy God. Even more still: his prayers sustain our desires to pray, urging us on and giving us hope of being heard."  Wow.

With my desires layed out there though, I also have to know that just as I parent with what is best for my children, God is doing the same with Blake, Libby and Paxten.  Paxten's healing is already guaranteed and complete.  The unknown is whether that healing will be seen here on earth or when she is called to heaven.  My heart is warmed as I read the hundreds of cheers and praises for Paxten's small victories and her strength to hold on. But, I also start to wonder when I see things like, "Our prayers are working, keep it up!"  And "God is so good!"  The thing is, God is good if Paxten pulls through but he is still just as good if Paxten doesn't.  Isn't that the point?  To cry out to a God that is so perfect that he is good in the joys and in the pain.  If Paxten had worsened or if she had been called to heaven, would our prayers have "not" worked? What does this say to the parent following along who did lose their child?  That their prayers were not effective?  Was God not good? 

So many have been profoundly changed by Paxten's journey and the steadfast faith of her mommy and daddy. I am one of them. My perspective, my tendency to take things for granted, and my prayer life. Talking with my God about my will while also praying for strength and peace to accept his.  Becoming aware of how I respond to the results of prayer. Prayer that is answered in "my will" and prayer that is answered in another way. For that I am eternally grateful for Paxten and her short 22 months.  I'm grateful for the gift of prayer, made possible by Jesus, through Christ.  I'm so happy to serve a God who is good and listens to my heart's desires even if they do not always line up with his outcomes. I pray that you know the peace that comes from pouring your heart out to the God too. 

"Intercessory prayer is the purifying bath into which the individual and the fellowship must enter every day." Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I also beg that you keep on praying for Paxten.  She is still so very sick and the road is so very long for her Blake and Libby.  I love you Pax!