The Motherhood Spectrum

Back when I was just a teenager or young adult...or even just a young married with no kids yet, I thought of Mother's Day as just that. Mom's day. Those women who have birthed a child and are raising that child. As the years have passed though, God has opened my eyes to how very, very complex this mothering thing is. I first became a biological mother. Later, a foster mother. Which also meant that while I celebrated with her children, there was another mother whose arms were empty. Not long after, I became a mom to a miscarried baby. A new form of motherhood is born in that. One of longing for a child you never held but rejoicing for that child's life in heaven. Even later I became an adoptive mother. So now there is another mom mourning the choices and life stage that brought her loss on. What a web of mothering, choices, pain and joy.

Today a friend posted this blog post on her wall and it just hit me as so very true.

So, in honor of each of you women reading this...

The wide spectrum of mothering 

• To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you 
• To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you 
• To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you 
• To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you 
• To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is 
• To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you 
• To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you 
• To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you 
• To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you 
• To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
• To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst 
• To those who have aborted children - we remember them and you on this day 
• To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children - we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be 
• To those who step-parent - we walk with you on these complex paths 
• To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be - we grieve with you 
• To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you 
• To those who placed children up for adoption – we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart 
• And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you. 

By Amy Young (http://messymiddle.com)

What's Next?

I'm getting a lot of questions about what's next for us and the journey we're on to bring our son home. Here's a breakdown of what we have ahead of us:

• Our case is being presented to the local court for approval. Court is usually scheduled within 1-3 months. Parents are not required to be in court.
• Following court approval, there is a 30 day appeal period before the Certificate of Non Appeal is issued. When the CNA is issued, the case then is reviewed for approval by the Ministry.
• Once all the adoption documents are complete, the next step is to file the I600 with USCIS. The time-frame to get I600 approved varies, but is currently estimated to be 3 weeks to 2 months.
• When the I600 has been approved by USCIS, we will then request an appointment from the Embassy. All documents are submitted to the Embassy for Visa processing. The visa is issued typically within 2-4 weeks, and in rare cases has taken several weeks.
• The final step is to obtain a letter from Congolese Emigration (DGM) for the child to leave the country. This process can take several days to a couple of weeks.
• Derek and I are both planning on going to the DRC to go claim our son. We will be in the capital of Kinshasa (see it there on the map?) We will be there 10-14 days and will stay at convent near the orphanage. We will bond with our sweet son, try to piece together what we can of our son's past and gather clues for him as he grows here in the US so that we can share with him his culture and homeland.
• Unfortunately, the DRC is not a particularly stable country so we will not do much travel/sightseeing if any at all. The Democratic Republic of Congo is a vast country in Central Africa. Its infrastructure has been damaged due to years of dictatorship, civil war and ethnic conflicts.  We will stick close to our room at the convent and the orphanage. Our trip will not be a vacation where we also end up with our son. It will be a rescue mission to ransom a little boy with an uncertain future in an unsafe country. Our primary goal is one less orphan. One less hurting child.

 



Sometimes the process seems more overwhelming to me now than when we began. I look at that list of what is left to be done and I start to feel stress and panic. I'm ashamed at how easy it is for me to forget how far God has brought us and to rest in his grace and faithfulness. I have moments of struggle to remember that He who has called us to this will indeed see us through. Thankfully when I am weak, He is strong and he is still writing this story. Pray for us, the Congolese government and our son!

The Referral

Fifteen very long months after we anxiously mailed our dossier to our adoption agency, the moment we've been waiting for has happened.

We've seen our son!

He is perfection. He is a gift. He is mine.

A momma knows, doesn't she? When we look at that line on the pregnancy test. And then the fuzzy skeletal outline from the sonogram pictures. And the moment the doctor places the stretched out wriggling baby in our arms. THIS child is mine. That's what this e-mail was for me and in some ways more. I waited so long and dreamed day after day and pleaded and prayed for the little boy across the world experiencing trauma and loss and fear. I ache that he had to go through that but know that without it we would not meet. And that would not be God's plan. His plan is for the wide-eyed, chubby-fingered, short-legged little boy in the picture I carry with me everywhere to be mine.

I wish I could share him now but it is not time yet. We still have to pass court in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. But I promise you he is the cutest. Seriously.

This journey has been so hard. Much more emotional and draining than I could have guessed. If I had known then what I've lived now I wonder if I would have had the courage to obey as we did then. Obedience is so hard. What seems clear one day is hazy the next. Adoption has been that way for me too. Both our domestic and international adoptions have stretched me. I've had to sacrifice so much of what I thought I wanted or even more so, deserved, to answer the call. But, I can also honestly say that there has been a new kind of joy found in that obedience. I see joy in recognizing God's hand in building our family despite my desperate attempts to do it on my own. I see joy in unabashedly loving a little girl with crazy curly hair and a passion for dance, reading, and her sisters, despite the fear of losing her one day. And I see joy in watching God's hand in this Congo adoption. As the funds have been raised, and people have stepped forward in faith to support us, and as God has shown us continually that we are on the right path. 

"I think a lot of us have a very limited concept of joy -- we tie it to what makes us feel happy. But real joy goes even deeper, and it's not always found in obvious places. Instead, it hides in corners, waiting to be discovered when we sacrifice our desires for God's desires." C. Thomas Davis
 

I'm still learning about this type of joy. One that is settled and deep and a part of who I am, and not a joy that can be blown away by one negative moment in a day. More than the joy of  what the world tells me should make me happy, but a joy so rooted in God's will for my life that it cannot be shook. I have no doubt that my little boy in the picture I clasp will have so much to teach me about joy. And, I pray that as we experience the joy of raising him that we are able to heal his broken heart and the wounds of a year of pain and show him the joy that can be found in Christ's beautiful plan for him as well.

We continue to covet your prayers as we are so far from done with this adventure. The hardest wait is just begun. The wait where every day my son gets one day older without me. Oh, sweet little boy, we're coming for you!

I Choose Joy {Sometimes}

Some facts:

• 1 year and 6 months have passed since we mailed our application to our adoption agency.
• 1 year and 1 month have passed since we finished our dossier and mailed it in.
• 13 e-mails have gone out as each month passed by, checking to see if we were any closer to seeing our son.
• Hundreds of hours have been spent working late into the night to raise money to redeem our son from his orphanage.
• Thousands of prayers have gone up, whispered and written, cried and pleaded.
• Our homestudy has expired losing $1,000.
• Our USICS fingerprints have expired losing $850.
• My heart has grown weary.

Christmas of 2011 had a feeling of expectation and hope. Yes, I felt our family was incomplete without him there but I was still feeling the high of having just sent in our dossier. I just thought there was no way that we wouldn't hold our son in our arms in 2012. No way. Yet here we are into 2013 and we still do not even have his picture. I felt his absence greatly this Christmas. I know that may not be something that anyone but a mother who has dreamed of her child in a far away place and longed to rescue him can understand. I know I risk sounding crazy. But the wait is so suffocating. I feel helpless and even like a failure. This discontentment, frustration, feeling of loss has been seeping into other areas of my life. I've been shorter with my kids and husband. My thoughts are pessimistic when I hear of other's struggles. Instead of joy I feel bitter when I hear of other families and their international adoption successes.

And I didn't like it. I had turned what God has designed for redemption and joy into a burden and bitterness. So, as I thought about 2013 and what word I want to define me this year, the word JOY was an easy choice. I choose joy.

Joy in the wait.
Joy in the lessons of waiting.
Joy in the raising of 5 children.
Joy in the care of our home.
Joy in loving my husband the way he deserves.

As a reminder I hastily typed up choose joy and slapped it on the fridge.

Later that day, I had a moment to order this print that I had meant to order for a while from Echoes of Mercy Etsy site. In her e-mail to me following my purchase she mentioned her instagram account and so I looked it up. The second it opened my breath caught. The very first post listed was her CHOOSE JOY print. Ok, God, I hear ya. Shocked, I quickly told her my story of how my un-joy was settling into my life and how I had decided to Choose Joy for 2013. And, because I'm fairly certain that God sent me to Mandie just for this reminder, she sent me that print too. One for my phone screen and one to place in (i.e. all over) my house.

What a surprise for this struggling heart! What a gift to know that God knows the weight I'm carrying to bring our son home. And What a reminder that He goes before me. That He is orchestrating our family. Let got and let God, Lindsey.

So, I'm still failing daily but, when I feel that yucky feeling start to seep in I now have a visual reminder to choose joy.

In another not-so-surprising-when-God-works coincidence, Mandie Joy is a fellow foster parent. 100% of the sales from her art go to help her stay home and foster. So, if you've got some time and heart to support those following God's calling to love the least of these please stop by her shop. 

You can find her blog here.
You can find her etsy shop here. 

She has blessed me and I know she'll bless you too!

Kansas Kids

A friend recently messaged me and asked several questions about adoption. One involved getting to the bottom of the orphan situation in Kansas specifically. It got me to thinking that maybe others wonder too. Everyone knows there are orphans and waiting children in countries all over the world. That is no secret. But what about Kansas? We don't have "orphanages" in the traditional sense that other countries do. We don't see homeless children on street corners and store backs like other countries. So, does that mean we don't have any? Where are they kept?

According to Adopt Kansas Kids, there are 850 orphans in Kansas right now. This means that they are ready for adoption at this moment. On top of that, over 1,000 foster kids are in placement across Kansas now. Many of those foster children will also end up becoming legal orphans.

 

Children who are God's. Chosen, beloved, precious and desired by their Creator. Yes, most are children who have experienced hurts and desertion but they are so much more than that too. They are resilient, hopeful and ready to be chosen by a mother and father here on Earth. They are creative, loving, gifted, and ready to take a role in a forever family.

 

That part about being polluted by the world? Oh my. What a yucky feeling. I fear I've been polluted by the world. I let it tell me that if something makes me uncomfortable then I don't have to do it. That others say I shouldn't disrupt birth order. That I need more space. That it will be hard to meet the needs of so many little ones. That we'll never go on another vacation due to size. That I'm going to be "that" mom in that too-big van. That I may never shower where I get to wash my hair AND shave in the same shower ever again. That if bringing in a child to my home makes me have to alter the way we've been living and the "perfect" little set-up that I've got going on right now then surely God isn't asking that of me. God, purge this pollution from me.

Here are some resources if you're interested in changing a life. Each of these pages has links to information on children waiting RIGHT NOW. I pray that our eyes will be opened to see them the way God sees them:

Adopt Kansas Kids

Adopt Kansas Kids Facebook Page

Kansas Children's Service League

Youthville


(all kid pictures from the adopt kansas kids facebook page)

An Adoption Party

The last post showed a lot of the fun we had celebrating A's first birthday but I also wanted to show how we honored and celebrated her adoption too.

There were five tables and each one had a centerpiece that had two pictures and a date on it. The 10 pictures listed the timeline of big events in A's life over the last year. It was fun to create and see God's hand in her life.

Our "Oh Happy Day" sign went through several rough drafts in my head. I had originally planned on it saying "Happy Gotcha Day" so we could put it up every year to celebrate her adoption day and, one day, our son's adoption day. Then I thought well, maybe I'll just do "Happy Birthday" so that it could be used for all of our kids' birthdays. Finally, I settled on "Oh Happy Day" b/c I wanted something that could be used for any special and fun day in our lives. I want to be able to celebrate all the big moments that will come in our future and I think this sign accomplished this. I can't wait to make it a family tradition!

It was super simple to make. I just cut some small rectangles, sewed right sides together, flipped them and used the iron-on letters from Walmart. The top piece was bias tape. Easy peasy.

The largest project for the party was the "Adoption Station". I wanted a way for A's young friends and family to begin to get a better understanding of what adoption is.

When we started doing foster care Taryn was only 2 and it was really hard to explain to her then what was going on. We've had the opportunity over the last couple years though to begin to help her understand and to develop a heart for orphans and hurting children.

Adoption is a big concept, however. I in no way think this little craft will pull it all together in her mind but, I do hope that it at least gave parents and kids an opening to talk not only about Aven and what it means for her to now be adopted but also to begin to help them get a picture of their adoption into God's kingdom.

The kids seemed to have a great time going through the process of picking a baby and making it theirs. Then, of course, since we were celebrating getting Aven's adoption certificate we had to include that for the kiddos!

Front Side

Back Side

And, congrats to our nieces, nephews and friends who adopted their little buddies!!

Finally, Derek and I really wanted to get Aven some sort of keepsake to remember August 30th. It is a day that will always be special in my heart and I hope that it will be for her too one day. When I saw this necklace on Lisa Leonard's website I knew it was the perfect token.

chosen....to belong. to be loved.

It's now tucked away for her along with other keepsakes and memories throughout her journey to our family.

I loved planning every aspect of this celebration and love how it all came together!

Adoption Day Joy

It is with great joy and absolute gratitude that I introduce our youngest daughter,

Aven Amara

 

Born: August 22, 2011

Dropped off at our house: September 13, 2011

Found out she would be ours forever: April 11, 2012

Adoption finalized: August 30, 2012

 

Oh how good it feels to be able to finally say these words. While we have known for over 4 months that we were the family that would be privileged to raise Aven as our own, everything within the foster care/adoption system takes time. So much time. While knowing in my heart that she is mine has given me such pleasure, knowing that legally to the world she is ours for good just adds another level of excitement and pure gratitude that I could hardly stop smiling all day last Thursday.

 

It was a wonderful day. Full of love, excitement, remembering, thankfulness and celebration. We met bright and early for the finalizing of the paperwork at court. Oh a day I had looked forward to for so long! I had never been in a courtroom and while I was expecting stuffiness and formality it was actually very low-key and everyone was so excited for us.

 

Signing with the sweet judge.

Everyone who came out to witness such an important event.

Officially 5. Oh, Happy Day!

 

Then we went to breakfast to celebrate!

 

 

That evening we had a big party at our local community center. We celebrated both Aven's first birthday and her official adoption into our family. That deserved a party that was BIG. And boy did she get it!

 

In truth, there were a lot of months that we didn't think we would still have her at 1 year. I would dream of being able to have this party for her. One where we could announce to the world that she truly was ours and that we could know that we get to know how she looks, sounds, and acts at 1 and every year following. I would try to stop my heart and mind from thinking of such things...attempting to protect myself from possible deep loss. So, to be able to spend evenings making decorations and days planning out each activity was so wonderful. I would even say almost healing. Loving a child with reckless abandon while internally holding your breath can take a toll. This entire day was a release of breath for me.

She was certainly NOT shy about diving into that cake!  : )

She was very spoiled by so many wonderful gifts. I'm not sure where they'll all go!!

She was our little celebrity. Hello paparazzi!

 

On our way home. She was still all smiles even after a long eventful day. And she remains the most flexible of my three girls. : )

 

I'm not oblivious to the truth of that day and what Aven's adoption means. I know that our joy mean that another family was experiencing sorrow. Our answered prayers were another family's unanswered prayers. Our happiness and dreams for our daughter's future were another family's sorrow and loss of that future. Adoption has so many emotional facets. I thought often of Aven's birth family that day (and every day). We have the task of raising Aven to know the love over her birth family. To let her know often that she had a birth mother and birth father who loved her very much. To tell her about her grandparents on each side that smiled the second she came into view and who showered her with gifts and kisses. A responsibility we don't take lightly. Part of our role as her mommy and daddy now, however, is to love her and celebrate her every moment and that's what this day was about for us. Showing her that we understand how blessed we are to call her ours.

We praise God for His hand in Aven's life. None of what has taken place the last year is a surprise to Him. The same God that carefully crafted and loved her in the womb is just as madly in love with her now and we trust that she is where she is supposed to be. Just as we would have trusted His choice had he asked us to say goodbye to Aven after loving her wholeheartedly for a year.

We are crazy in love with this girl and can't wait to tackle the world as an official family of FIVE!!